A Birth Story

New Years Eve. I’m 42 weeks pregnant, past all the estimated due dates, and ready to pop at any moment. We left the house early evening to go to a sound healing session in our local community, past that we had no plans. We left the Mums at home happy to be having a quiet evening in, I was fully expecting to be seeing them when we got home before midnight. With Flow being due on December 18th we didn’t make any plans for Christmas or NYE as we thought we’d be happily tucked away with our new little human. And so with me heavily pregnant we decided that a sound healing, dinner, and an early night was how the evening would go.

We’d been told by a good friend to expect Flow on 01.01.2020, up until this point we had no reason to believe that to be true. But now on December 31st we had come to accept and expect the arrival of our little man the next day, and we were ok with that. It’s what we were telling everyone, ‘yup he’s coming tomorrow,’ people were confused by how we could be so certain. I could feel, It was as if he had decided that 2019 wasn’t for him, and that the clear vision of 2020 was what resonated with him, of course. 

The sound healing was beautiful, as I lay on the ground and looked up at the stars, I placed my hands on my full belly for one of the final times. I connected with Flow, I told him that this space was safe, sacred, and loving, I felt his love. With the sound of the signing bowl humming its graceful song, I closed my eyes. The meditation took me on a journey of peace, and of tranquility. As we were guided through the experience through a shamanic voice and a nurturing space, the healing through the vibration from her voice, the drum, and the bowls were dancing right into my core. I remember feeling so grateful to be alive, and so much bliss for this beautiful life that I live and for the world that Flow would enter into. Each inhale I could feel the vibration stronger, and the air fresher. The vibration of the drum had made it over to me, levitating over my being, sending its healing waves through my body. I was strong, I was safe, I was loved.  

After dinner we were in limbo with what to do, one of our favourite community spaces was having a celebration around the fire, but we weren’t sure if a party atmosphere was where our energy was. We decided to drive there and take a look. When we arrived we rolled down the windows, the sound of drums and soul music, yes! That’s exactly what I wanted. We decided to check it out for a bit with no obligations to stay until midnight. Walking into the space and around the fire we could both feel our energy quite reserved, and so we decided to take a seat a little set back from the central gathering space. We sat there observing the energy, comfortable in each other’s presence, quiet and peaceful. I exchanged a few smiles and touches to the belly from friends each time that I made my way to the toilet, which was more than a few times as Flow was the size of a watermelon pushing on my bladder by this point. On one of my returns I see Rafa talking to a brother whom I’ve never met before. A curious character, with quirky tales and an interesting healing touch. Up until this point in the pregnancy, and especially closer towards the due date I had been aware of where people would touch me and how they entered my spaces to not attract anything that may interfere with the natural labour time. Yet when Monsieur Poole offered me a massage and gestured to my shoulders (the key point that offers grounding and could induce labour) well it didn’t feel right to refuse. His touch was gentle and nurturing, offering my body a chance to relax and accept that everything was ok.

Some time passes and the atmosphere in the space has gotten higher, Rafa’s vibration sends him on his feet and he offers to do some fire for me. He stands in front of me as he sets a light to his four wicks of orange flame. He’s already caught the attention of some people excited at the idea of a fire show. I see the warm glow of the fire light up his growing smile. He takes a moment to breathe and become one with the fire. As he steps closer I feel the heat rising and the energy getting stronger. He’s off on his magickal dance, enchanting us all, dancing between their spaces, the spaces between us, back to them. Him and I connect through a look, ‘oh, I forgot what I was doing!’ He says with a smile as he realises that he’s found himself merging with the energy of those of the gathering crowd around. Drawing himself back into mine and Flow’s energy he walks over with a look in his eye, a look that I know means one thing, he’s about to cast a spell on me. I take a deep breath in and close my eyes. The brush of the flames rushing past my face paints a picture in my mind, I feel his energy all around me kissing my cheeks and whispering in my ear. My hands lovingly placed on my belly, I feel Flows energy connecting and downloading it all.

After some more time sitting and connecting to those around, I decide that my feet need to feel the earth and my body needs to move. My energy is still pretty low and so I decide to go and have one little dance with everyone before heading home to welcome in the new year from the comfort of my bed. As I get closer to the circle, I can see the energy cultivating, and the vibration rising. I choose my spot around the fire, feel it’s humbling warmth, close my eyes and connect within. Connecting to myself, my love, and to Flow. I close my eyes and feel the rhythm of the music, the beat of the drums, the harmony of the voices, and the dance of the didgeridoo making me move from the core like a hypnotised snake. I circle my hands around my belly drawing in all of the goodness from around me, I feel it all and stretch my arms up high, connecting to my higher self and feeling supported. As I open my eyes I see a good sister gazing into my being with her beaming smile and vibrant energy. The gaze is broken by Rafa hugging me from behind. ‘It’s the countdown!’ What? I was so confused, I thought it was only about 10pm. People started counting down, fireworks started exploding from the road very nearby, people started screaming and hugging, the drummers banging with all the excitement. There was a lot going on! Rafa and I exchanged a kiss and a grounding embrace, excited for the coming year ahead of us! 

After all that energy I was then truly exhausted, yet the adrenaline that I’d taken on from everyone else did not want to rest in my aching muscles, and so we stayed for another few hours connecting and talking to those around. 

When we arrived home it was the early hours of the morning, we were both still quite charged with energy and so decided to get comfortable in Rafa’s bungalow and put on some relaxing music. We lay talking for hours, I can’t even remember about what, I just know that we were in a good place, everything felt calm and exactly how it should be. After some time intimately in each others energy and some warm snuggles we decided to have sex. ‘You know what this means if we do this right?’ Well we had accepted that Flow was coming that day, all of the things that could possibly induce labour naturally had already come to me the night before, why not end the night with the most known way to bring on the labour.

Moments after we’d lay there still in each other’s embrace, I felt different. Surely not.’ I thought to myself, but then we ended up falling asleep.

I woke a few hours later to a cool misty morning. I felt a little damp on my leggings….has my water broken? In my daze of awakeness I checked myself over energetically and felt that nothing was happening yet and miraculously fell back to sleep for another hour. OK this time I’m sure of it ‘Rafa, my waters have broken.’ ‘Really?’ He asks, only half wanting to believe it I think. I go to the bathroom to be triple sure, yup. I walk back through the bedroom to see what looks like Rafa who has fallen back to sleep, and so I go up to my room to get changed into something dry. When I come back down I see Rafa’s anxious silhouette pacing up and down, ‘Don’t tell me that your waters have broken and then disappear!’ Haha, oops. 

We checked in with each other, and my body and decided that getting some extra sleep under our eyes would be helpful. ‘Tell me when the contractions start.’ He was there, he was with me. But I was also aware that I didn’t want to use up his energy until it was really needed. We both managed to fall back asleep. My contractions started maybe 30 mins to an hour later. They were uncomfortable, but mild. They came on fast though, maybe every 10-15 mins apart. After about 3-4 contractions Rafa woke and checked how I was doing. ‘The contractions have started.’ ‘Really!? Why didn’t you wake me? You’re not in this alone, Kayla.’ my heart slowed at the calmness of his love.

We lay there for a little longer reflecting on the precious times that we’ve shared, and talking about the differences that we could only imagine were coming. The contractions were pretty regular and so we decided to move through to the birthing space and prepare all that we needed. The pool, the warm water, all the affirmations and acupressure cards, all the good smelling things, and all the magick that we’d thought of.

A home birth is always how I imagined my birth as a Mother, nothing else felt right to me. It was never really a question in my mind, it was just simply how it was. The more I felt into my pregnancy and heard others opinions I further realised that an unassisted, home birth felt even more in line with the way that I saw my birth. We had found a beautiful, tranquil home in the mountains a few months prior. The energy on the land was so grounding the moment I arrived that I knew this was where Flow would be born. Between Rafa and I, we knew that this was the only way that we’d want it to be, at home with the love and support of each other and the safety of our sanctuary.

We had all of the precautions in place, the car full of fuel, a hospital back at the ready, friends phone numbers at the ready incase we needed back up, a midwives number in case we needed assistance at home. We had all of that in place, but never had any intentions of using them. Knowing that my body was capable and my intuition was strong and loud we trusted that we would be guided through the experience safely. With all of the knowledge and understanding that we had, we understood that nothing could fully prepare you for an unknown experience that you’ve never lived before, but we knew how trust worked, and coming from a calm place of love and calm felt safe for us.

It was about 10am and Mum had heard us in the living room and came through to see what was happening. I could see it in her eyes that she was hoping he was coming, she’d been waiting long enough! Flow was ‘due’ to arrive on December 18th. Mum had Flown out to Thailand on the 10th, and was already worried that she’d miss his arrival at that point. It was now January 1st, and she was leaving in 3 days. So after checking in with us and getting all excited she lovingly made us some smoothie bowls for breakfast which I managed to eat in between contractions. Knowing that I had a long day ahead, I made sure that I did my best to eat it all. I even had Rafa spoon feeding me at some point, I remember feeling very loved and supported. 

In-between rests Rafa began to clear the space and fill it with magick. He began to look and feel a little like a frantic chicken running between all of his responsibilities, making sure the water was hot and tub full, in-between stroking me for the contractions, and doing it all still holding a beautiful space. By this point Rafa had pumped up the pool and began to fill it with warm water through the hose leading through the house from the bathroom. The day before we’d had a big storm, and lots of rain up the mountain. All of our water for the house comes from the mountain, and so if there’s a big rain the water comes out a muddy, brown colour. I couldn’t believe it, I had all of these beautiful visions of the birth and Flow entering this world slowly, in the tranquility of the water, taking his first breath with his head resting in the palms of my hands as I gently brought him to the surface, like the ones that I’d seen online, this wasn’t right at all. We decided to continue filling the pool with the warm muddy water, the temperature was still good and we figured I could use it for pain relief, just not to birth in. 

For the next few hours the contractions got more intense. Rafa was doing his very best jumping between all the spaces, filling the pool, putting out all the magick, running back to me when I called with another contraction so that he could use the acupressure methods that we’d been practicing, different pressure points for different times of labour and types of pain. I found at the beginning there was one point on my ankles that he would put pressure on and it would help draw the pain from my center down to my feet and give me a sense of grounding. Another which we used throughout most of the labour was one where he placed both thumbs on my lower back and put pressure either side of my spine, this one helped a lot with the lower back pain that I experienced most intensely. ‘I think I could be a doula.’ Rafa said to me once a contraction had come to an end. 

As time melted away and the hours flew by we made it into the afternoon. The contractions were getting more intense and I was getting more into a phase of discomfort. I don’t think that anything could have prepared me for the physical pain that my body was about to endure, but more so, I don’t think that anything could have prepared me for the mental journey that my mind was about to embark either. I was going into states of meditation where my mind would take me on a journey of stories from my past. Reliving moments of joy and laughter from my life, moments that Rafa and I had shared, memories of me sat in nature connecting so deeply with Flow, moments in my life that had led me to this very moment where I was to become a mother. 

Many of these stories that occured in my mind were asking me if I was ready, ready to accept motherhood in all my power, the challenges and blessings that were to come with it. At times I didn’t feel ready, and knew that I had more to endure before it was a place where Flow could enter. I’d revisit a certain moment in my life that I had to relive, relearn, and submit to acceptance. ‘I’m ready Flow, I’m ready.’ The entire time we’d been energetically connected and telepathically communicating so strongly. I could feel him pause when I wasn’t yet ready, when I had more accepting to do. I could feel when we were connected and working together to release. The intensity of the mental meant that I was barely able to communicate through words which left Rafa holding a beautiful space of support as I frequently groaned in pain. At this point, even though the pain was intense, I still felt very confident in myself and the connection that I had with Flow. There was no doubt in my mind if we could do this.

Some time between then and the next few hours discomfort grew in intensity, my body became more uncomfortable, more painful. The exercise ball did good for some time, sitting, rocking back and forth, being on my knees leaning on the sofa helped for a while, even laying on my side for some time.

Time by these moments was irrelevant, I wasn’t even sure what part of the day we were in. My mind began to take me to a whole other place, on a whole other journey. I felt slightly detached at times, as though I was in and out of consciousness with the physical world and the spiritual. The images in my mind got brighter, stronger. I felt him move into the birth canal and I could feel that we were progressing positively. The visuals became very psychedelic. One clear vision that kept recurring was a brightly lit curved tunnel, it had yellow and purple flashing lights, it was the birth canal. I was waiting to see Flow emerge through the tunnel each time that it flashed into my vision. ‘I’m here Flow, you’re safe.’ I felt below and I could feel the top of his head crowning between my legs. I knew he was coming and that it wouldn’t be long from now, I was doing it, we were doing it.
More time passed and the pain got stronger. My body started to feel different, less mobile, a higher sense of density in my muscles. Not much seemed to be helping with pain relief and so Rafa suggested that I got in the pool.

The water was warm and soothing on my aching body, but the discolour of the water made me feel a bit uneasy and I worried about where I would give birth. I had fed into some of the fear around childbirth and that led me to believe as a first time mum a tear was likely. I was convinced that if I gave birth out of the water that this would happen.

‘Be in the present moment.’ I kept telling myself. Connect to your breath. This is where time and space started to become blurry and just getting through and staying connected was my only focus. Rafa did all that he could to create a harmonious space around the pool, surrounding my space with gifts that were created during my blessing way by sisters of mine. He sat with me and held my hand as he guided me towards my breath, reminding me to connect with Flow and to check in with myself to feel the progression.

It wasn’t that easy anymore. The pain was getting worse, the pressure on my lower back continuously more intense. I positioned myself over the edge of the high side of the pool, the weight of my body distributed between my knees and slumped over the edge on my arms. Time between contractions wasn’t leaving much space as Rafa was jumping in and out of the pool getting all of his clothes and sarongs wet before finally giving into nudity. As the pain continued to grow, he sat with me in the pool giving me reassuring words, loving touch, and acupressure when it was needed.

I remember mum sat on the floor holding my hand. She’d heard the screams and couldn’t stay out of the room any longer, and I was grateful. The pressure on my lower back was more pain than I could handle. Through my tears I cried and wailed, ‘I can’t do this anymore.’ ‘its ok darling, breathe, breathe, you can do this.’ Mum’s soft, but strong words vibrated slowly into my energy, but I couldn’t take them on any further. I felt below, he hadn’t moved, I could still feel the same surface area of the head emerging through my legs as I could hours before. I hadn’t felt Flow move for some time and once I tuned into it, I felt a disconnect. For the first time fear entered my mind. ‘Something is wrong, he’s not ok.’ I didn’t think that I could keep going. ‘Darling he’s fine, you’re fine, breathe, breathe.’

The pain was too much with not enough rest time in-between the waves of contractions. I accepted the offer of some plant medicine prepared earlier, the only pain relief that I felt good about at the right time. After a few inhales I managed to settle into my breath for a moment. My mind kept wanting to escape to other places, uncomfortable places. I decided to observe where the thoughts were going. The sound of the neighbors outside, what would they be thinking hearing me scream like this? The time and how long it had been? None of that mattered and I instantly told myself to be in the present. What was in the present moment? In my energy field as I observed the present moment? No longer the neighbors. Closer, the birthing space and all the magick around. Closer, mum, Rafa, back to mum. That was it, it wasn’t that I had a problem personally with her, but I realised that she was simply another energy in my surrounding that I felt I had to be aware of. I took a moment to breathe and find my words. ‘Mum, I love you, and I’m so grateful for you being here, but would you mind stepping outside? I just need less to focus on right now.’ She understood with grace, gave me a kiss, told me that she was proud of me and loved me, and stepped outside.

I remember making noises that I’d never heard before, I occasionally questioned if that noise even came out of me. I went from grunting, to screaming, to chanting and deeper levels of singing that I didn’t know I was cable of at times. Some moments became very difficult to distinguish between the mental self and the physical self, it became a very out of body experience. Rafa was able to energetically tune into where I was at times and help me release some of the pain by screaming, chanting, and singing with me. It was as if with each wave of pain I released a little more, accepted a little further, and got a step closer to the end. I remember the build up of pain being so extreme, the chanting and breathing reached intense peaks so high that at one point when Rafa was screaming with me, I remember the feeling of the energy being too much. ‘Rafa please, i just need to scream by myself for a moment, I don’t have the energy to let go of anymore.’ It felt like I was releasing for myself, for Flow, and by Rafa screaming, I was then also having to take on that energy and release that also, it was too much, I didn’t feel like I could go any further or let go of anymore, I needed to ask for a break from Rafa, from myself, from the universe.

The pain and pressure was so intense, nothing seemed to be helping. The fear got louder in my mind. ‘I can’t, I can’t do it anymore. I’m scared.’ ‘Well you have to. Find a way, your breath, something, find a way.’ Rafa’s words were gentle but firm. He was right, I had to find a way. I played out the story in my mind of what the worst scenario would be for me at that moment. Getting out of the pool and clothed to get in the car to go to the hospital where I would be surrounded by bright lights and strangers, probably placed on a bed and told to lay on my back, given drugs that wouldn’t align with my values. Before even allowing my mind to go any further I acknowledged that it wasn’t even a possibility as I wouldn’t even be able to get out of the pool, never mind into the car and make it to the hospital successfully. Feeling into the present moment, I was there, and I was doing it.

I felt below once again and was frustrated to feel that his head was still in the same position, it had been hours, why hadn’t he moved? The pressure on my back wasn’t subsiding with each wave of contractions, instead it was a continuous throb of aching that didn’t feel right to me.

Acupressure up until this point was my saviour, the pain was slightly relieved with the firm pressure from Rafa’s thumbs. I lay in a strong yet submissive pose as I hung over the edge of the pool on all fours. The pain was excruciating, I screamed so much that I could feel the vibration in my temples. The intensity reached 10 out of 10 physically, mentally, and emotionally. Up until this point we had tried countless positions, forwards, backwards, lunging, being supported from behind, anything to try and ease the pain, but any and all movement by this point was too painful on my lower back. So much energy built up within me that I was completely out of my body to know what was now energetic and mental pain and what was physical. It was so unclear where I was. Was I in the mental, energetic realm, or was I in the physical? It was as if the pain had taken me out of my body and I was slowly floating in the universe, my release of screams guiding me through each wave. Rafa’s hands were placed on my lower back putting pressure where it was needed, my body in a position to support my opening pelvis, my breath doing its best to stay connected, and my soul floating somewhere in the universe, when all of a sudden a sharp, knife daggering pain shocked me back into my physical body and spoke to me in a piercing pain. ‘Don’t touch me!’ I screamed at Rafa, it was too much. All physical support needed to be dropped at this point as the acupressure was adding to the pain. Now looking back we realise that this was the point when I damaged my tailbone.

More time passed and Flow’s head still hadn’t journeyed any further. I tried changing positions in the water, allowing more space for him to release, but everything was too painful. I was able to take a few moments of calm where I found myself chanting through my tears. Rafa was there with me, physically, emotionally, energetically. Together we were in harmony. I looked deep into his eyes as he held my hand, the tears rolling down his cheeks, we were there together, journeying to a place far greater than the pool we were sitting in. Even amongst the agonising pain and occasional occurrence of fear that would arise, I still remember looking at Rafa with such appreciation and love for the way that we were choosing to birth our little boy, and thinking that I wouldn’t want it any other way than they way it was, the three of us there together being born into the new. 

After what felt like breaking point I didn’t feel like I could go on, I was exhausted mentally, energetically, and physically. Rafa understood now more than ever that his only mission was to find a calm space to help me come down in-between the contractions that were now coming on top of each other. I was finding it hard to feel any space to come down off the growing levels, but with Rafa’s help holding space for me, I felt safe. 

Faz, Rafa’s mum came through with a kettle of hot water to top up the pool. ‘This is it mum, we’re getting close to the end.’ ‘Then she has to get out of the pool, it isn’t clean, it isn’t safe.’ I felt the resistance in the air from both Rafa and I. It was as if we’d accepted that it was going to happen where it was going to happen. Nevertheless Rafa understood that due to hours of no progression, movement was key and so he took the first true break we’d had and quickly lifted me out of the pool. 

On my way over to the mattress on the floor I collapsed onto my knees, just reaching the edge of the mattress. Contractions were back to back and the pain was indescribable. Rafa’s fear grew as he knew there was only so many hours energetically that we could continue.

He guided me through more chanting and breathwork but it was hard to stay focused and most of what came out was screaming in agony. I’d reached a point of an energetic pain blur. Rafa could see that his mission was to stay calm through his fear and to again attempt to bring me down between contractions at a time that was highly intense. 

Another contraction of excruciating pain hit me and I couldn’t take anymore. The area of the pain felt like Flow was coming out from the behind and I asked for Rafa to check. He did a hands on physical check to make sure that there was no obstruction in the birth canal. Everything seemed ok, but the failure to progress and having Flow in the same position for hours felt worrying and an extreme space for him to be stuck for that period of time, in the birth canal.

Leaning over on all fours, I looked up into Rafa’s eyes, ‘Help me.’ I begged. The look of worry and responsibility in his eyes I’ll never forget, what had I done? I just put so much onto him and I felt so guilty. ‘There’s something wrong Raffe, maybe he’s spine to spine or something, but he’s not moving, he won’t come.’ Frantically looking through our emergency birth book for an answer, Rafa disappeared to see if the mum’s could research how we could progress. He was only gone for a second but it was the first time I’d been alone throughout the birth and it felt strange, empty in a way. 

Not long after mum came through, ‘Darling try this position. It’s like a low lunge, it might help him come out.’ It took me many attempts in-between contractions to slowly move step by step from all fours to my side to my back and finally into a squat where I hung, holding onto Rafa, supporting myself with his weight, my arms wrapped around his neck and pulling down on him for balance. It was painful but I could feel him coming. I pushed down whilst pulling on Rafa with all my might, so much so that I was close to popping his head off whilst we both screamed in submission and acceptance. The pain was throbbing hard in my head and in my pelvis, but hallelujah, I felt movement. Forgetting to stay connected to my breath I fell back from exhaustion. ‘I can see him, he’s coming, we’re almost there.’ With Rafa’s reassurance I found the energy to get back up into the open, lunging position, knowing that with the next few pushes it would all be over, and he’d be here. 

Seeing that I was still struggling to find the energy to push knowing that it’s what my body was telling me, Rafa assisted by pushing down on my belly, applying pressure to Flow’s bum to guide him out.

With the last push I felt him coming, ‘Raffe he’s coming, you need to catch him!’ He came sliding out and into Rafa’s hands. He was a grey like colour and very still, for a split second my mind went to the darkest place, and then he moved. I fell back onto the floor, drained and relieved. Rafa placed Flow into my arms and wiped him down with a cloth, his hands still shaking with adrenaline. He was perfect. The three of us sat on the floor in a moment of silence and stillness. Flow peaked at us with one eye, closed it and opened the other. He was checking us out. Rafa on one side of me, hands placed gently on my shoulders, Flow the other lying peacefully in my arms, I couldn’t believe it,  ‘We did it Flow, we did it.’ 

I bought Flow up to my chest and he latched straight away, filling his tired little body. Wow. I remember this feeling of connection in a different form now. A physical connection from the touch of Flow to my exterior self. It was a feeling of nurturance, I was physically feeling the nutrients entering his body, his suckling drawing out the energy that he needed. It was a warm, fluid feeling, a cycle from my breast to his mouth, from his heart to my heart. 

The three of us sat on the floor together, Flow lying peacefully, angelically breathing. He was there, real infront of our eyes. The energy had settled and the air was filled with warm auras all experiencing sacred moments all for the first time. I looked into Rafa’s eyes and shared with him some of what I’d experienced in my mind those past hours, the journeys that my soul had travelled, attempting to articulate where I’d been in moments that I wasn’t able to communicate through words. 

Restricted movement from the placenta still inside me we decided to see if it would come. Rafa was there with the sterilised bowl ready, I took a deep breath in and felt one last pulse as my stomach contracted to release the placenta. ‘Ready?’ I said to Raffe, as the placenta came flooding out in a pool of blood. It was hard to see how much blood was coming from me and how much had leaked from the placenta. 

I wanted to get up and clean myself, put on some fresh, clean clothes. ‘not yet, you need to rest.’ Rafa helped me onto the sofa. ‘Placenta smoothie?’ Mum had her roles and she was so beautifully fulfilling them. Rafa decided to join me in the post birth desert of a berry, placenta smoothie. After the energetic journey that we’d both been on together he decided that it’d be a good idea. ‘I don’t think that I want to be a doula.’ He said to me through a wide eyed gaze.

After some time I was feeling weak but better about the thought of washing and changing. I was still being advised by Rafa to continue resting as he could see that the adrenaline had peaked and we were now coming down off the highest of highs. I wanted to be clean, have some fresh clothes on my tired body. Rafa helped me up to make my way to the bathroom. I got up feeling heavy and depleted, my arm wrapped around his shoulders. We walked slowly to the bathroom, I made it through the door and felt shaky, my vision was cloudy. I opened my eyes to my limp body sat on the bathroom floor, I had fainted. With Rafa’s help I stood up and leaned on the bathtub, my nacked body dripping with sweat and blood. His gentle hands wiped the blood from between my legs. Love. That’s what I was thinking at this time, love. 

I found the strength to stand up straight, arms above my head as the t-shirt fell over my loose torso. ‘Look at my stomach!’ I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror. ‘Look how strange it looks.’ Rafa and I had a chuckle at my avocado shaped figure. We walked back to the living room. My gaze was cloudy and my angle strange, I was sitting, but standing. I had fainted mid-walk and Rafa caught me on his knee so that I was in a seated position, hovering in the air, ‘It’s ok. You’re ok, just a bit weak.’ Finally I passed out on the sofa.

When I woke I was surrounded by both mum’s, Rafa, Flow, and to my surprise our good brother, Shay, who had dropped by to see how we all were. Once again Rafa helped me up to the bedroom so slow and fragile where I delicately got into bed and passed out.

That day, not only was little Flow born into this world, but I was reborn as a mother, Rafa reborn as a father, and Rafa’s mum and my mum reborn for the first time into grandmothers. The energy that was moves through in our home that day was life changing, and never will it be forgotten.

I woke up in the middle of the night to the sight of Rafa sleeping next to me, and little baby Flow tucked into his protective, loving embrace. I felt like we were floating on a cloud together, peacefully through the open sky. In that moment my heart was full, I took a mental picture of a frame that I knew would exist in my memories forever and inhaled all the love, and held it in my heart.