Done with repeating, sabotaging patterns

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This has been the longest cycle in a while that I have been stuck in negativity and stories that don’t serve me. I trust and know that everything has its reason and purpose for showing up in my life, and so have these patterns, but wow, am I done with the same old patterns and stories in my head that no longer serve me.

I am not strong enough, I am not supported, I am not loved. These are words that have been so strong in my life since Flows birth. These words have been so strong that they’ve been blinding me from where I am strong, I am supported, and how much I am loved.

The other morning I woke up to a huge emotional release where I was lucky enough to have my partner there to hold some space for me as I put into words what I was feeling, which allowed a space for me to get clarity of my feelings and release them. It felt like the fog of my lenses had been wiped clean, no longer was there the blurry vision that I’ve been seeing, or a dull haze creating an overcast obscurity to my energy. I still see some small scratches on my life lenses, these are the essence of my wounds, some that may never fade, but that are always there to remind me of my journey and my growth. But I truly feel like the lenses of my life have been wiped clean and are seeing clearer than they have in a long time!

Some of what I’m able to let go of…

The mourning of my past self that I didn’t know was so present in my life today. The grasp onto my freer, more loved self, the girl who had all the love for herself, endless amounts of time and energy to nourish herself, the one who thought that she was unstoppable, untouchable. Well I’ve realized that by letting go of the wonder and worry of where that girl is, I can see her and feel her in all her strength, she has been here all along, but now she looks a little different. When I tune into her, that one who is here standing within me today, that’s when I feel her, I see her, and I can smile at her and tell her that everything is more than ok.

Motherhood is hard. It kicks you about emotionally and physically. Some days you feel like you’ve been thrown down the stairs or off a building, some days you feel like you can’t get out of bed or hear another cry, and some days you just wonder how Mothers with more than one little one do this! I’ve had days where I’ve been so into my shadows that I loose all trust in everything that I know to be true, I loose sight of what feels good, and completely disconnect from my heart, taking it out on those closest to me.

I am so grateful that I am surrounded physically and energetically by loving beings in my life who continuously hold a loving and nurturing space for me, until I’m able to take those deep breaths and see how truly blessed I am to have been chosen to guide this beautiful little being through the first part of his journey.

Through seeing these patterns of doubt in myself, doubt in this journey that I’m on, I’m now able to release any and all fear that surround them, and close the book on these recurring stories. I understand that elements of these patterns will arise again in the future, and I am conscious to see them from a place of love and patience, knowing that I have now done the work, I know that I have gotten through them before, and to just take that time and space to remind myself of the learning.

How can I do this?

For me, writing is a huge part of my process of reflecting, clarity, and releasing. Once I am able to take some time to just be, then I find the words come clearer to me, I’m able to rationalize my feelings and then let them go through the feelings.

It always sounds so simple, and it is, yet for some reason this is the biggest one for me to connect to at times, my breath. It really can be as simple and easy as taking a few deep breaths at times. By taking deep breaths it oxygenates the body, sends the fresh energy around the body, and allows space to unblock anything that may be stuck in our mind, in our body, in our being.

And thirdly, it sounds so silly, but a smile goes a long way. I used to really resent this saying, because I was always in the feeling that it was for the sake of others, a smile from you goes a long way for those around you. But no, if you’re able to put a smile on your face, whether you mean it at first or not doesn’t matter, the physical action of smiling will automatically send a higher vibration around your being and make you feel better. And so I’m reminding myself to smile more often. Smile when I first wake up in the morning, smile when I see the lessons that I’m reminded of, and smile to remind myself of this beautiful life.

I am strong. I am supported. I am loved.

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