The moment you see positive

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It’s been a journey for me learning to listen to my body and understand the language in which she speaks, but I’m proud to say that I’ve gotten pretty good at it. And so when she started acting in ways that I simply didn’t understand, I was very confused.

I was sitting by the river with a group of friends at a beautiful place where we were all staying in south Cambodia, when a very powerful girlfriend of mine commented on the size of my boobs, and very bluntly stated that I should do a pregnancy test. I was a little late on my period, but really didn’t think much about what she said. A few nights later I’m lying in my bed, far away in dream land when a very vivid vision comes into my mind, a vision of three beings, Rafa (my partner), a good brother of ours, and a little toddler running around. I’ve also become very aware of when my visions are so clear and precise that they feel like a scene from the future, this one felt like that. I instantly shot up out of bed and drove to the closest pharmacy, however given that it was the early hours of the morning, of course everywhere was closed in this small town, and so I sat waiting on the curb outside until the shutters finally drew open with a loud screech.

Negative. I was relieved but so confused, the vision was so clear. What was going on with my body? I still had no period, I had sore boobs, and drained energy. For the following days I was in very good spirits, but I just had no energy, I ended up sleeping for days, and that certainly wasn’t like me usually. I decided to do a three day coconut water fast to reboot my immune system and gain some strength. The majority of my friends were leaving over the next days, Rafa was going home, and so that gave me some space to take a few days to simply be.

Day one was very successful, I was feeling lighter energetically and physically even with just the thought of three days to myself. Day two I planned to drive up a mountain near by to see the sunrise. I woke early and got on my bike at 5am, ready for the drive and to start my day feeling fresh. For some reason the Universe felt like testing me that morning, from road blockages to a broken bike, it felt like my determination to be there for sunrise was the only thing that did get me there in the end. I finally made it just before the sun rose to only find myself laughing at the sight of the heavy clouds below me that stopped me being able to see the sun. I decided to accept it all and take in the beauty and harmony of the fluffy white beauty all around me.

Cross legged I sat on the ground with my eyes closed allowing my mind to quiet and my body to relax. A voice within my head was tapping at my inner thoughts, ‘It’s not the time to fast. It’s not the time to fast.’ How annoying I said out loud, it is too the time to fast! These were the only three days that I had entirely to myself and I was going to fast! My mind went quiet again before a final blow to the head hit me, ‘IT’S NOT THE TIME TO FAST.’ Wow, ‘I get it!’, I said out loud, and before I knew it I was on my way down the mountain and heading to the local market to buy some fresh fruit and veggies.

On my way home, feeling pretty good about the light selection of nourishing food I had in my basket, I found myself stopping at the entrance to a pharmacy with no real understanding of why I was there. Before I knew it, I was at the counter paying for a pregnancy test. Well, I guess that was happening, and so I went home to take it.

For those of you who have experienced taking a pregnancy test you’ll know the feeling that you have when you know that there’s no chance of it being positive, you’re just doing it to be sure. And then for those of you who have been pregnant and planned on it know the feeling of waiting for it to be positive and getting excited. For me, I had neither of these feelings, I was in completely new territory. I was experiencing a feeling that I’d never felt before, not an uneasy feeling, not an anxious or nervous feeling, but simply a calm and somehow knowing feeling, which was strange because I didn’t really understand what my body already knew.

I placed the test face down on the bottom corner of my bed, and I sat on the opposite corner at the top of the bed. It was hilarious, I couldn’t have gotten further away if I tried.
When I looked at the clock to see that it was time I slowly shimmied my way to the end of the bed. As I turned over the test it felt like a scene in a movie, you know that moment when everything freezes and it zooms into a scene or an object one frame at a time, getting closer and closer each frame, that’s what it felt like when I saw those two little blue lines. It was as if time stopped still for those moments, the whole world came to a halt, all of my energy u-turned and held its self in my womb space, and over my left shoulder I heard a voice, ‘I am here.’

It was as if my mind had been so confused at what my body had known for weeks now, and she had been trying to tell me in her own way and I hadn’t listened. And so now here it was, this little being, so powerful and present guiding me, telling me that they were here. I remember so simply shrugging my shoulders and saying, ‘Yes, yes you are.’

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